A Hollywood Life Unattained
Reflecting on the missed opportunities of my early career as a Hollywood actor.
Not many people know I was the original James Evans on the hit 70s TV show, Good Times. Due to failed contract negotiations as well as my lack of a strong, masculine chin, I was quickly replaced by John Amos. It has taken over 40 years for me to be able to talk about it publicly without bitterness but, as they say, “time heals all wounds.” I always believed that to be true, until recently seeing those Jimmie ‘JJ’ Walker social security supplement commercials.Trigger warning! Were you aware the fire department’s bill for removing a TV set from your roof is practically the same as purchasing a brand new television? Insane.
In the early 80s, I was asked to star in a revival of Chico and the Man with Norman Fell, but unfortunately I was deep into drugs and alcohol and my mom wouldn’t let me. Hard to see it at the time, but that grounding saved my life. Wish now I hadn’t said such horrible things to my mom or sent those racy photos to Norman Fell, but we all learn and move on.
WOW! Just found this photo! Talk about a blast from the past! During the later years of M*A*S*H, the ratings were sagging lower than Harry Morgan’s décolletage, so the network started toying around with adding a second head to Hawkeye. They did a few test episodes and who do you think they contracted to play the additional head? Me of course! The idea was that the second head, which they considered naming, “Headeye,” would serve as a kind of straight man for Hawkeye’s jokes. The head would occasionally talk him into terrible surgical decisions, resulting in the maiming and occasional loss of a patient. We all hated the idea and, as it turned out, so did test audiences. I was released after two unaired episodes and ignored after proposing a concept where I would play Hot Lips’ third boob. Nonetheless, it was my most treasured Hollywood moment and provided the first role of my long career as cranial talent. You might imagine, the cast was a dream to work with. Well, with one exception. It’s common knowledge now but Jamie Farr forced all guest actors to shave their lines into his back and quote them while tracing each one with their fingertips. Sure, it sounds bad today but it was the 70s and everyone did it, so who was I to question? SAG has since added several actor protections because of that situation but you can Google it all for yourself.
You learn to grow thick skin in Hollywood but I’d be lying if I said this one didn’t hurt. Mindy Cohn was holding out for more money and threatening to quit Facts of Life so I was brought in as replacement. “Natalie” was the first role I ever felt “click” on a deep, Stanislavsky level. To my shock, I was promptly dismissed before shooting even a single episode and was instructed to never return to the studio. I didn’t get the warning then but I certainly know it now. One did not tell Charlotte Rae “no.”
Last one from the “Hollywood Vault.” On an episode of Seinfeld titled, “There’s An App For That” I played Kramer’s cousin, Shlomo Simon. In this particular episode, I invent an iPad® app that forces everyone I point the device toward to see me nude. None of the cast could keep a straight face during shooting and, eventually, they had to bring in a body double. The episode never aired due to a lawsuit by Apple® (It would be another 15 years before the actual iPad® was invented), although the episode was accidentally released in the Icelandic Box Set, so good luck on getting a copy. Fortunately, an assistant director took the only surviving photo and gave it to me earlier this year after, apparently, carrying it around with her for several years. Also, Michael Richards, you owe me a chili dog! (Private joke. Ha ha!)
[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine April 1, 2016.]
New Cable Exploitive Southern Reality Show Lineup
Tick Jokes
Friday 2:00 AM on COMEDY 1 hr TV-14
Wannabe stand-up comics from West Virginia check each other for ticks after working an open mic night in a corn field.
Mug Wars
Wednesday 9:00 PM on SPIKE 1 hr TV-14
Eight unemployed college students from Mississippi State University move into a gorgeous house they can’t afford and immediately discover it contains only a six pack of Coors Light and a bag of Funions. (Language, Violence)
Flea Market Dating
Daily 10:00 PM on TLC 30 min TV-PG
Two brothers, Larry and Toad, search the magnificent flea markets of the south in search of love and long-term pokey-pokey. Complications arise when Larry admits he only dates little people and Toad reveals he has secret feelings for Larry’s Dodge Dakota.
Veterans
Tuesday 11:47 PM on HIST 1 hr TV-PG
An intense drama focusing on the residents of a Confederate cemetery and their reactions when a group of northern, white, thirty-somethings show up, remove the Confederate flag, exhume and dress them as Trader Joe’s produce attendants. Pilot episode features the emotional soundtrack performed live by Kanye West, Bret Michaels and a lifelike hologram of Abraham Lincoln.
Catfish Wet Nurse
Sunday 4:00 PM on DISC 30 min TV-MA
From the town of Red Bank, Tennessee comes a family of fourth generation catfish fishermen who use only their man-boobs as bait.
Uncle Mom
Monday 8:30 PM on LIFE 30 min TV-G
Country superstar Kenny Chesney visits remote trailer parks in Kentucky dressed as everyone’s uncle, only to try to convince them he is also their mother. Special guest appearances by Tim McGraw, Dr. Phil McGraw, Quick Draw McGraw, Johnny Knoxville and Kid Rock’s dick.
Lard Queens
Thursday 12:01 AM on FOOD 30 min TV-G
Appalachian grandmothers compete for prizes and hair products by cooking traditional southern breakfast for a panel of celebrity judges. The winner is crowned “Lard Queen” after successfully triggering heart disease in show spokesman Mike Huckabee.
Hail to the Hick
Monday 9:30 PM CSPAN 3 hrs TV-MIA
A gang of octogenarians who congregate in a North Carolina barber shop and complain loudly about the policies of the President, get the opportunity to be the actual President of the United States of America for 24 hours. Laws are changed, immigrants are forced to leave and Gomer Pyle USMC is revived on Netflix. (May be offensive to Asian and Latino viewers.)
Ain’t Worth Shit
August 10:15 AM MTV 1 hr TV-14
A single, Florida dad’s parenting skills come into question while raising his half trans teen-aged son.
Whoops!
Friday 8:00 PM ION 1 hr TV-PG
A rural, Virginia preacher dies and goes to hell and is torn between trying to pray his way to heaven or having sex with Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine July 9, 2015.]
Barn
Gray bones,
having defied weather
of an uncertain century,
prop the structure
with proud erectness.
Dusty tobacco,
its earthy cologne,
in prominent notes
of manure, sweat,
sod and corn,
the blood of every
board and plank.
Rodent, fowl,
serpent and spider,
those familiar church
worshippers,
trample the cattle’s
communion, both
holy ritual and
hidden shelter
of tiny players and
secret lovers.
— © Rick Baldwin
The Nail
The nail
resists being struck
folding at the impact
is straightened and hit
again buckling
and bending
into its own shape
eventually pounded
and pummeled
deep into the
wood coffin.
— © Rick Baldwin
Forever Burning Fire
Life is a forever
burning fire
from which the
flame of you
fleetingly
flickers; before,
in a flash,
separating and
spiraling into
its own
extinguishment.
— © Rick Baldwin
fence
a wooden line of lovers
like rotting fence posts
each stake more weathered
and hollow than
the previous
until the last
completely broken and
serving no purpose
— © Rick Baldwin
Jack o’Lantern
When she carved the pumpkin
her hands sunk deep into it
then, as she scooped the flesh,
she thought of the murder–
how the face went soft,
yet wide-eyed and open-mouthed,
the stringy seeds spilling out
onto her dress
as she twisted the knife in;
his body thrusting forward
not expecting the delivery
or that she would fight back,
now a pile of damp pulp
on the old, wood floor was
all that remained to be cleared
before the celebration–
her steady hand putting
flame to the candle,
and placing the toothy head
in front of the house
as a beacon to those who
would come knocking
that night.
— © Rick Baldwin
Jackson
Murder at midnight.
Scarlet taillights drape
a bloody sheet over
the Oldsmobile’s
cold, green skin.
Undercover crickets
in the foggy pasture,
pulse-scream
like tinnitus in
the night’s ear.
Haggard men hoarding
hate like rare coins,
break for gasoline
then churn up
dust from bald tires.
Tomorrow at the bank,
the agency, the classroom,
the factory, the church
and the precinct
they will call
Jesus a friend.
— © Rick Baldwin
Choices
You never asked to
give, nor I to take.
These, our forced cattle
branding at birth.
The advantage was mine.
Wrapped in silken, milky skin,
blur of a glowing world,
my everything.
Next to your crib they planted
a dagger — your destiny
forever affixed to that surgeon’s
edge, never your own.
Cries from my mouth hushed
by the nipple, yours by
syringe, a cold mother
leaving you naked.
Now a grown man, I take
the wheel and drive to your
cell, your home, the land
around your neck.
— © Rick Baldwin
Sandal Dust
You are the fourth nail
dull, twisted and corroded
piercing the watery heart
pushing through the spine
splintering the wood
delivering the poison like
a Golgotha adder
dancing on the stone and
kicking the crown
Your rituals are performed in
robes dragging the ground
The work of your hands betray
you like a whore bride
The children starve while
you eat the lamb
and lie with the calf
I never knew you.
— © Rick Baldwin
The Pursuit of Warmth
He pushed the
bent, iron poker
into the coals
the way a man
pushes his words into
a conversation he
knows nothing about.
Mindlessly scooting
the scorching chunks
against each other
like Minnesota Fats at
some volcanic
billiards table.
She placed the
last cigarette
in her lips and lit it
with a strike of
his glare.
Her fingers scraped
the remaining
bite of honey biscuit
breakfast from the
saucer and set it
on her tongue.
“There’s chicken in the
fridge from last night.
I’ll be late again.”
She grabbed her purse
as a cable car passenger
pulls the emergency cord
when going one stop
over.
He clutched the
poker like a
handbrake.
The house smelled
of stale smoke
and country ham
just as he imagined his
grandmother’s kitchen
would have smelled
had she lived past
twenty nine.
“Too damn early,”
he thought.
Fireworks splattered
the air when the poker
smashed into the
smoldering stick.
The front door
slammed and his spit
sizzled as it hit
the ash.
— © Rick Baldwin
The Things We Do
The scant, gray room
Where you forced me to live
Me, like a fox
Silken, amber fur
With hungry teeth
I imagined escaping you
That cool, spring morning
In our Swiss train station
Your heels knocking in echo
And I afraid of the machinery
You asked, “Why do we do
The things we do?”
I kissed your nose
Like tasting a hen
I gave my ticket to a boy
He boarded without bags
My gloves felt too tight
Black, like your hair
And smelling of blood
— © Rick Baldwin
Searching for Consciousness, Jesus and My Apple Pencil
Where is Consciousness? Where is Spirit? Where is my Apple Pencil? (Hint: “Right in front of your face, dumbass.”)
Lots of things are right in front of our face and we can’t seem to find them. Spirit? Consciousness? Where the heck are they? In this video, I explore a new way to think of these essential life essences. Try it if you want.
A Piece of Me
There is a risk when using religious terms such as “The Father” or “The Christ” when thinking of or referring to God. It encourages one to imagine God as being simply a part of the whole “me.” “There is ‘me’ and then there is that part of ‘me’ I experience as God, which I call “Christ” or “The Father within.” This makes “me” the main character and “Christ” a secondary character inside of “me.” The reality is, there is only omnipresent God and this pretend character I know of as “me,” an individual expression of omnipresent God.
I’m A Guest on “Take A Sip”
A big thanks to Michael Poole for having me as a guest on his podcast “Taking A Sip.” We discuss spirituality, podcasting, kilts, drum corps, ASMR, the arts and tons of other things. Give it a watch!
The Name That Unlocks
The human life is a life of duality. It is what makes us distinctly human. Our spiritual history of “tasting the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil” establishes us firmly within that foundation of a life of mental opposites. While it is most likely impossible to escape the dual life, we can, through spiritual vision and intuition, rise above it to sense true Oneness. That is our essential nature after all, and it is only available for us to experience through transcending the human mind and experiencing the spiritual.
Personally, I find the name “God” problematic. Not only is it a “loaded” name (everyone has their own image of their own God and how do you know who means what or what means who??), but it also works to firmly establish us in dual experience. One only needs a name for something to distinguish it from something else and how can there ever be God and something else? If God is infinite, omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient, there can literally be no “something else.”
Nonetheless, as human beings, it seems we can utilize our dualistic thought as a bridge to Oneness. In fact, outside of pure inspiration or intuition, it is the only method we have of experiencing that Oneness. In other words, it is indeed possible for thought to lead us to the point of no thought. Or the ego leading us to the moment of ego death. I have personally found that meditating on the word “God” can sometimes take me to an experience of Being beyond the word God. In that case, the name has proved to be a useful pointer.
Sometimes I discover that a particular name for the same “Being” will enhance my own understanding/experience of that Being, more so than another word. For instance, here is a list of words and names I consider to be synonymous:
God
Life
Consciousness
Awareness
Being
Is-ness
Energy
Truth
Tao
Knowing
Experiencing
Christ
Now
I Am
Infinite Invisible
There are other names that can belong on this list and you may have some of your own. Jesus was fond of using “Father” but that isn’t quite ambiguous enough for me so I’ve never been able to use it much. Still, it might work for you. The point is, when thinking about Truth and Being, sometimes it will actually give a greater meaning to what you are meditating on if you switch one name for another. For example, a person who is not particularly religious may find the statement “I am one with God” problematic. However, that person may respond quite well to the statement “I am one with Life” or even “I am one with Energy.” Same meaning, but just by exchanging the name, we might open our individual consciousness more to Truth.
I suggest keeping a “mental storage folder” of synonymous names you can try out when you are having a difficulty connecting with a specific thought about “Being” or “Reality.” You may discover a different combination may be the very key to unlock the door to your understanding.
Morning Coffee Ramble Part 2 – The NOW – Nonduality – Metaphysics
This is a sequel to my last metaphysical ramble video. I had some new insights about the NOW and thought I would share. DO NOT watch this video unless you watch the previous video. It’ll mess you up forever and I don’t want to be responsible for that. You’ve been warned, dude.
If you find this in any way interesting check out my podcast, Apocaleptic. It isn’t really like this but you still might enjoy it.
Morning Coffee Ramble with Rick: Past, Future, the NOW and the Nature of Experience
If you love, crazy, incoherent ramblings, man, this video is for you!
It’s 7am. I’m having coffee. I’ve been pondering these ideas about the past and future, the NOW and the nature of existence and experience. It’s stuff I’ve been thinking about and I wanted to make a recording of it and I’m putting it here. All filmed at an extremely unflattering angle. I’m not sure if it will make sense to anyone but me.
Let me know.
The Peace of Christmas
Image by Brigitte Werner from Pixabay
In the Silence of Being, our true nature is revealed. That Silence is the substance of all appearances; all that can be seen, heard, felt and perceived. In that Silence contains no labels, descriptions or concepts and in it, you are not the names you call yourself or the thoughts you think about yourself. Like the Silence itself, you are boundless, limitless, ageless, timeless.
To celebrate a solitary birth at Christmas time is to completely miss the point. The Christmas season points more to discovery than birth. That which we discover may seem to be born within us but, in reality, its nature is eternal. It has never been born and can never die. It has always been with us, indeed, always been us. We cannot be separated from it because it is the substance of our very being. This is the true message of Christmas.
At this Christmas season, the greatest gift we can give ourselves is the reminder that peace is not something we must wait for, Peace is who we are right now, The greatest gift we can give others is the realization this is the truth about them as well. Over and over, the symbols of Christmas point to the joy of discovering our true nature of Peace. May each of us fully awaken to this truth.
To Know
Ultimately, it is impossible for anyone to know anything other than themself. Therefore, the only way to ever know God, is if God is that.
