It Never Snows In Kramptown Kove
Kris Nickelclaus had lived outside Valdosta, Georgia, for nineteen years, yet he had never noticed the small township of Kramptown Kove, situated a mile and a half beyond the Super Fresh Grocery and just before the JESUS IS REAL billboard. He had driven past the road...
A Hollywood Life Unattained
Reflecting on the missed opportunities of my early career as a Hollywood actor. Not many people know I was the original James Evans on the hit 70s TV show, Good Times. Due to failed contract negotiations as well as my lack of a strong, masculine chin, I was quickly...
New Exploitive Southern Reality Shows On Cable
Tick Jokes Friday 2:00 AM on COMEDY 1 hr TV-14 Wannabe stand-up comics from West Virginia check each other for ticks after working an open mic night in a corn field. Mug Wars Wednesday 9:00 PM on FX 1 hr TV-14 Eight unemployed college students from Mississippi State...
You May Be Right. I May Be Crazy.
When I was in high school, I idolized the kind of NY, Italian, street gang-guy I saw in celebs like Billy Joel and Stallone. I really wanted to be in a street gang, which, if you know me, you know how completely asinine even the thought of that is. But I didn't want...
Prosecution Closing Arguments In The Billy Joel Fire Starter Trial
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, good morning. Throughout this trial, you have heard the defendant, Mr. William Martin Joel, steadfastly proclaim his innocence regarding the infamous fire that has captured all our attention. Yet, under oath, Mr. Joel himself admitted...
Samuel L. Jackson Orders a Subway Oven Roasted Chicken Sandwich
Good afternoon, Debbie. Pay attention, because I’m about to order the greatest goddamn sandwich you’ve ever made in your short career at the Subway Corporation. How long you been here, baby? Three months? That’s adorable. You wake up inspired every day to craft better...
I Wish I Wasn’t Dead
— by Wallace Thatcher Hogg 1842-1929 (as dictated to Harmony Rae, psychic medium, clairaudient) I wish to state right from the start: I completely and without reservation wish I wasn’t dead. If I had been aware of what death would feel like, I would have fought harder...
A 57 Year Old Man’s Sexual Diary
6:00AM Morning wood! So awesome! I still got it! I could change a tire with this thing! 7:00AM This hot water feels good. Should have showered earlier. If I masturbate right now I won’t be able to stop at Panera Bread on the way to work. Scew that, I need my Cinnamon...
Bloody Hell! (A True Story)
[Content Warning: Blood, discussion of violence, death and animal injury] Yesterday, when I came home from the studio, I noticed drops of blood on my front porch. I immediately joked, “Oh, look! A killer came to visit!” Then a darker thought struck: what if someone...
The Date (Sketch Comedy Script)
Performance & Use Rights These sketch comedy scripts are available for free readings and performances, royalty-free. Please credit the author, Rick Baldwin, in any program, announcement, or recording. Scripts may not be altered, adapted, or edited without prior...
That’s Mine (Sketch Comedy Script)
Performance & Use Rights These sketch comedy scripts are available for free readings and performances, royalty-free. Please credit the author, Rick Baldwin, in any program, announcement, or recording. Scripts may not be altered, adapted, or edited without prior...
Why I Cannot Wear A Dress
[Content Warning: Blood, death]Late August of 1972, my entire family was brutally tortured, then slaughtered by a teal and beige casual sport dress. It was a thigh-length, sleeveless with round neckline and princess seams on the front and reverse. Authorities said the...