Performance & Use Rights

These sketch comedy scripts are available for free readings and performances, royalty-free. Please credit the author, Rick Baldwin, in any program, announcement, or recording. Scripts may not be altered, adapted, or edited without prior written permission from the author. Public reprinting (in print or online) also requires permission.

 

[Content Warning: Mild adult language, violence, death]

Lights up in an alleyway. A nicely dressed couple enters.

RITA: Are you sure this is where you parked, Michael?

MICHAEL: Positive. I always park in the alley next to the pawn shop when we go to the theater. It’s tradition.

RITA: Michael, the pawn shop is a block over.

MICHAEL: What? Are you sure?

RITA: I’m absolutely sure. I saw it after we passed the guy peeing on the “No Parking” sign.

MICHAEL: Oh. That explains it. For a second, I thought someone stole the car.

RITA: Let’s go. This alley’s giving me the creeps.

MICHAEL: Yeah, let’s—

(A MUGGER with a gun steps in front of them.)

MUGGER: Hold it! Hands up! This is a stick-up!

RITA: Oh my God!

MICHAEL: Whoa, whoa! Look, take whatever you want. No need for violence!

MUGGER: (ignoring him) You! Hand over your purse!

RITA: (hands it over) Here.

MUGGER: Good. (looks inside) Now, you—

RITA: Wait!

MUGGER: What?

RITA: Can I take a couple of photos out of there?

MUGGER: Photos?

MICHAEL: Rita, not the time—

RITA: It’s Becca and Tippy. He doesn’t need pictures of Becca and Tippy.

MUGGER: (sighs) Fine. Take the pictures of Becca and Tippy. Just hurry it up!

RITA: (takes out photos) Thank you. Oh! And these tampons. You definitely don’t need these. (removes two tampons and hands the purse back.)

MUGGER: Now you! Wallet! (MICHAEL hands it over. The MUGGER tosses the photos at RITA.) Jewelry, too. Let’s go!

MICHAEL: We’re not really “jewelry people.”

(A cell phone rings.)

MUGGER: What the hell is that?

RITA: (points to her purse) I think it’s mine. May I?

MUGGER: Make it quick!

RITA: (answers) Hello? Rachel! Hi! … No, this is fine.

MICHAEL: (to MUGGER) It’s Rachel.

RITA: Oh, we loved the show! I cried all through Act III. … No, Jim’s wrong—it’s way better than Wicked!

MUGGER: Lady!

RITA: Hold on. Rachel, I’ve got to go. I’m in the middle of something. … Yes, I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye. (hangs up, puts the phone back in the purse, and hands it back to the MUGGER) Sorry. Where were we?

MUGGER: Where were we?! I have a gun, lady! I was saying jewelry! Watches! Now!

(Another phone rings. The MUGGER’s patience wears thin.)

MUGGER: Oh, for the love of—whose phone is it this time?

RITA: I’ll bet it’s Jim.

MUGGER: (snaps) I don’t care if it’s Jim, Rachel, or freakin’ Tippy! Nobody’s answering that phone!

(The ringing continues. The MUGGER suddenly realizes it’s his own phone. He answers.)

MUGGER: Yo, Beanie! What’s up, Dogg? … Nah, just working. … Yeah, right now! A couple in an alley. … (looks at RITA) She’s alright. AAAAAAAAAA! … Okay, Tuesday. I’m there. Later. (hangs up) Sorry about that. Beanie. He’s a trip.

MICHAEL: Wait. Did you just say Beanie? As in Beanie McDougall?

MUGGER: Yeah.

MICHAEL: That’s my cousin!

MUGGER: Get outta here!

MICHAEL: No, seriously! Beanie and I practically grew up together!

MUGGER: Damn, small world!

MICHAEL: So, you can’t rob Beanie’s cousin, right?

MUGGER: Oh, I totally can. Beanie’s an asshole. Now give me those car keys.

(MICHAEL reluctantly reaches into his pocket. A phone rings again, and everyone freezes, unsure where it’s coming from.)

MICHAEL: Wait. That’s mine.

(He pulls out a small pistol from his jacket and shoots the MUGGER. The phone keeps ringing.)

MICHAEL: Dumbass. It was his phone.

(They start to leave, but RITA stops, picks up her purse, the wallet, and the jewelry. She eyes the MUGGER’s phone, picks it up, and answers.)

RITA: Beanie? Hey, it’s Rita. Want to talk to Michael?

(They exit. Blackout.)