The Scarlet Kilt

I don’t think it will spoil my story one bit if I tell you upfront that I’m dead. It isn’t the fact that I’m dead that makes my tale most interesting, but how I ended up dead. This is that story.

I started long-haul truck driving the year I was discharged from the Marines. October of ’78, I was driving a load of toothpicks to the East Coast. It was late Halloween night, nearing 2 a.m., and the trick-or-treat goblins had long gone to bed. I’d just passed through Whitefish, Montana, when the logs I was carrying and my eyelids started feeling a couple tons heavier. Making good time on my haul, I figured it was a good opportunity to pull over at the next truck stop for coffee and a cheeseburger.

After miles of pitch-black driving, I finally saw light up ahead. A small greasy spoon, no bigger than a mobile home, sat just off the road, bathed in red neon light. The sign out front read “The Scarlet Kilt.” It could’ve been “The Purple Panties” for all I cared; I was hungry and needed caffeine. I pulled over.

Inside was the kind of place you’d see a thousand times if you’d been on the road as long as I had. Same heartburn-inducing food, same tired employees. But there was something about this joint, something slightly off. I walked in, lit a Marlboro, and took a seat at a small wooden table in the darkest corner.

I propped a menu in front of my face and pretended to read while I scanned my surroundings. An old cowboy in filthy clothes sucked down a brew, while a leathery-faced woman, old enough to be his mom, chewed on his ear. A white-bearded biker with a massive gut stood up, fished his wallet out of his pants, and punched Jim Stafford’s “Spiders and Snakes” into the jukebox, then walked out. Behind the counter, the cook, a hulking, Elliott Gould look-alike, flipped greasy patties and chomped on a stogie. The whole scene was a tableau of roadside stereotypes and eccentricities.

A sharp cackle broke through the haze of smoke and grease. A short, middle-aged waitress skittered to the counter, whipping a rag around like a ninja weapon.

“Arnie, sugar, if your burgers get any blacker, we’re gonna need coal shovels!”

The cook didn’t flinch. The waitress glanced at me, grabbed a pitcher of water, and strutted over with a smile that shifted between sassy and sinister.

“Don’t let that scare you, doll,” she said. “I wouldn’t say it to his face, but Arnie makes a fantastic cheeseburger. I just love busting his balls. I’ve been doing it for 25 years, but between you and me, he doesn’t hear well, so I’m not even sure he knows I’m doing it.”

She poured ice water.

“Welcome to The Scarlet Kilt, handsome,” she said. “I’m Evanora. Owner, CEO, and your waitress tonight. What can I get for you?”

“Cheeseburger and coffee,” I said, extending my hand. “I’m Tom. What can I get for you?”

She leaned in, shaking my hand with a crooked smile. “Honey, I think I’ve got everything I need. This place, my little upstairs apartment, and a steady stream of good-looking men like yourself dropping by. Hey, a girl never gets tired of that kind of eye candy, even when it’s not Halloween.”

She winked, and it made my heart skip a beat. “And you, Mr. Tom… well, you’re the type of eye candy that would make a girl happy she brought an extra-large Trick or Treat sack. What’s a handsome guy like you doing out here so late anyway? Don’t you know only maniacs and murderers come out this time of night?”

“That rig out there stacked with timber? That’s mine,” I said. “I don’t know what they’re going to use all that wood for, and that’s not my problem, but me and that wood are currently on our way to West Virginia.”

She tilted her head, eyes twinkling. “That sure is a lot of wood you’re packing there. But I’ll bet you’ve heard that before. Wait, your name isn’t something ironic like ‘Tom Woods,’ or ‘Tom Plank’? Oh god, please tell me you are the world-famous porn star, Tom Logg…”

“Corbett,” I interrupted. “Tom Corbett. Yours?”

She shrugged. “Sugar, there’ve been too many last names. I’ve lost track. Just call me Evanora.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Evanora. Let me guess, you really love peaches.”

She blinked at me. “Peaches?”

I pointed at her necklace, a string of polished peach pits. “Either you really love peaches, or your kid won the arts and crafts blue ribbon at church camp.”

She grinned. “I’m a Georgia peach, born and raised. Haven’t been there in years, though. This necklace reminds me and keeps me grounded.”

“A southern belle?” I said. “I would never have guessed.”

“It’s been a long time,” she replied. “I didn’t fit in down there. Came out here to find myself. I’m a Montana girl at heart now. Anyway, let me put your order in and check on Monty. He’s the one over there wearing the cowboy hat and the whore. I’ll be back with some hot coffee in a couple of minutes.”

She strutted back to the counter, and I watched her go, not even trying to hide the way my eyes followed her. The place did have a weird energy, but Evanora had a way of making everything feel a little lighter. A nice change from the monotonous stretches of highway I’d been driving.

A few more customers came in and out, and Evanora continued to make her rounds to my table, squeezing my shoulder or giving me a flirtatious rub on the neck. I was starting to wonder how to make a move on her when Monty, the cowboy, and his leathered lady staggered out.

“Arnie,” she said, laughing, “your cooking has run off another one!”

She winked at me again. Her flirtations grew bolder with each pass of my table. By the time my burger and coffee arrived, I was more interested in her than the food. As I finished the last of my coffee, she plopped herself onto my lap.

“My shift is over, sugar,” she said, fingers tracing down my arm. “I don’t think I want to go home alone tonight. What do you say you come with me? No strings attached. You hit the road first thing in the morning, no questions asked.” She didn’t wait for a reply. “You look like you could use a shower and a soft bed. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Just wait five minutes after I go out the front, then follow me ‘round the back, up the stairs.”

She kissed my cheek before prancing off. I waited five minutes, paid my bill, and left a generous tip. I made my way around the back of the diner, climbed the stairs to her apartment, and found the door unlocked as promised. Stepping inside, the comforting scent of incense and candle wax greeted me. The place exuded a cozy, museum-like atmosphere, its shelves crowded with eclectic trinkets, Celtic amulets, and a few peculiar stuffed animals. Above the fireplace hung a picture of a younger Evanora sitting on the lap of a smiling, red-bearded guy. A painting of a man with a goat head hung above them. Despite its quirky charm, the place felt oddly welcoming.

Evanora appeared, wearing a cherry-colored satin robe, barefoot and stunning. She carried two mugs of tea. “Hope you’re up for a cup,” she said, giving me a smile. “I make it myself. Helps me sleep. China Black, chamomile, rose hips… a few other things.”

I took the tea and sipped. It tasted earthy, with a faint sweetness. She led me to the couch. “Let me show you something,” she said, digging through a cabinet. She produced a small box, opened it, and revealed a hand-rolled joint. “I hope you don’t mind. Helps me relax.”

She lit the joint, took a long drag, and offered it to me. The smoke made my head swim, and the tea’s warmth spread through my body like a spell.

“My ex, Rory, was Scottish,” she said. “He taught me the craft when I was 19.”

“Craft?” I asked, my voice getting a little sleepy.

“Witchcraft. It isn’t what everyone thinks,” she said, lighting the joint again. “No baby-eating or cat-mutilating nonsense. No one does that kind of thing. It’s about nature and purification. Each of us has our own gift. Mine? Energy manipulation. I transfer energy.”

I looked at her, wondering if I should laugh. “I know, sounds weird,” she said, “but it’s real. In witchcraft, we’re all free to do our own thing, so we concentrate on the things we do best.”

The weed started kicking in. My mind was swirling with abstract thoughts. The witchy talk was making my head spin. Maybe there was something more than tea in my cup. A sudden surge of desire rose up in me, and before I knew it, I leaned in toward her. I wasn’t sure how I felt about making love to a witch, but I was ready to find out.

“I have that same philosophy,” I said. “Free to do my own thing. But to tell you the truth, right now, I’d rather do yours.”

I moved in, and pressed my lips to hers. She tasted like rose hips and vanilla, and the sweet scent of herbs perfumed the air of the room. Her tongue brushed against my mouth, and I loosened the tie on her robe while she undid mine. Our hands searched each other’s bodies as we sank back onto the couch.

We fucked for what felt like an infinity, the details of which are best left to memory, but it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I wanted more, but Evanora stood up, her body moving gracefully as she began to dance around the living room. Her nude, middle-aged figure still carried the vibrancy of someone far younger, and as she closed her eyes, she seemed to be lost in her own rhythm. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she swayed like a wood nymph, her movements slow, deliberate, and hypnotic.

She stretched out her arms.

“Dance with me, baby.”

I’ve never been shy, but dancing naked with a witch? That was a new one for me. I stood and joined her, unsure of my own movements. At first, I mimicked her graceful flow, but it was clear she was listening to some music only she could hear. It didn’t matter; I let her take the lead. Her arms rose above her head, and she skipped around as if caught in a magical trance. I followed her, trying my best to keep up.

She ran her hands over her own body, moving like she was making love to the air or some invisible presence. Her dance became more sensual, almost hypnotic. At first, I didn’t hear anything, but then, slowly, the music began to seep into my mind, like it had existed somewhere in the corners waiting to come out. I didn’t question it. We had connected on a deep level, and I could feel her energy wrapping around mine. Sweat dotted my skin, and my heartbeat quickened. We moved faster, spinning and twirling around the coffee table.

Suddenly, she stopped. She lifted her head and arms, her body still, and she whispered something in a language I wasn’t familiar with.

Naestra, finna, toldor enna candorom! Shallae umstra lammacrom!

She grabbed a stalk of herbs from the table and held it to embers in the fireplace. It caught alight immediately, and she placed it back on the table, where the fire quickly died, but the stalk smoldered. With a swift movement, she darted off to a closet and returned with what looked like a red kilt.

I froze. “What is this?”

“A gift,” she said. “Something special. Something passed down.”

I stared at the kilt. There was something unnatural about it. It seemed to have a strange, magnetic pull, as though it was waiting for me.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” I asked.

“Put it on,” she said, her voice suddenly hard, almost commanding. “It’s for you. It’s time.”

This woman seemed a little too old for dress-up, but I know a lot of people into role playing, so I didn’t argue. I was reluctant, but somehow… I couldn’t say no. Maybe it was the weed still clouding my head, or maybe it was something else. I was under her spell, and I complied. As soon as the kilt fastened, it began to glow, the red light intensifying. That was freaky. I tried to remove it. The buckles scortched my fingers.

Panic set in as the whole room felt different now. An unexplainable electricity charged the air. Everything about Evanora, about this place, now seemed different. It was no longer a night of lust, no longer an adventure. There was something ancient, something sinister here. I could feel it pressing against my chest, making it difficult to breathe.

Evanora moved slowly around me, her eyes locking on mine. “Do you feel it now?” she asked. “The change? The power?”

It was impossible not to feel it. When she first asked me to put the kilt on, I didn’t know what it meant. I thought it was just some strange fetish of hers. Now, as the kilt pressed against my skin and seemed to burn deeper into me, I began to understand. This wasn’t just a costume. It was a power. A force. It was taking over me. I tried to tear it off, but it wouldn’t budge.

“Don’t!” Evanora said. “You’re ours now, Tom. You belong to me and Rory. Just like all the others before you.”

Her words didn’t make sense to me, but then, through the haze, I remembered the peach pit necklace, the one nestled between the soft curve of her chest. At first, I hadn’t thought much about it, distracted by her beauty, her voice, her… presence. Now I could see it clearly.

Each of those seeds—not pits at all—but trophies. Mementos of conquests in her twisted collection. The men she had seduced, transformed, and consumed. I was simply another name on that long, horrific list. A notch on her belt. Another pit to add to her collection.

“Don’t resist it, Tom,” she said. “You’re giving Rory the gift of eternal life.”

I tried to scream—make any kind of noise, but the kilt had consumed me. It wasn’t physical anymore. It was spiritual. It was as if the very essence of me was being erased, rewritten, and remade into something else. Someone else. This kilt was alive, a vessel woven with threads of ancient magic and bound by blood oaths. It was Rory’s spirit pulsing within its glowing fibers, his unending life fueled by the stolen essence of those who dared to wear it. I became an offering, feeding Rory’s eternity.

The energy of the kilt surged, and Rory materialized. His form was radiant yet terrifying. A menacing smile grew beneath his red beard. He reached out, and I felt the last remnants of myself slip away, leaving only empty silence where once my soul had been.

The kilt fell limp, its glow dimmed. I was gone—no, transformed. No longer myself but a fragment of Rory’s eternal being. The kilt would wait, as it always had, for the next fool to continue its cycle. Rory was alive, and I was nothing more than two charms on a Montana witch’s necklace.

©2017 Rick Baldwin. All Rights Reserved.

(COPYRIGHT NOTICE – This story is under the full copyright of the author who gives permission for royalty-free performance/readings of the story for non commercial purposes. This story must not be changed or altered in any way without permission of the author. Any performance of this story must credit the author, Rick Baldwin. This story may not be reprinted without permission of the author.)

The Scarlet Kilt

Fergus MacDuff

For as long as I can remember, the name “Fergus MacDuff” has been a part of my consciousness. When I was a child, my parents used the name as a threat or motivation for correction. “If you don’t clean your plate, Fergus MacDuff will get you. Clean your room or Fergus MacDuff will find you in the night.” As kids, we imagined old Fergus MacDuff lived under our beds, his long, dirty fingers grasping for our ankles every time we went to turn in for the night. Most of the time we would run to our beds and take a long dive onto the safety of the mattress, relieved we avoided another murderous, grasp by Fergus MacDuff.

The reality was Fergus MacDuff didn’t live under our beds but, rather, in an old hovel a block from the abandon gas station, a quarter of a mile from our house. At least that’s what all the kids at school said. We were all very aware of the dilapidated Fergus MacDuff house that sat in the middle of the overgrown plot of land we had to pass when we walked to the ball field. People would tell stories about seeing Fergus MacDuff standing in the shadows of his porch, watching all of us kids playing across the street. Some people said they saw him clutching a butcher knife. Ginny Blair said she saw him holding a chain saw. Troy Bolin claimed he once crept up the weedy pathway to Fergus MacDuff’s door, only to find him sitting on his porch pulling feathers off of a dead, bloody chicken. No matter the variety of stories, one detail was always consistent. Everyone claimed they saw old Fergus MacDuff wearing a dress. Why that old man would wear a dress, I couldn’t imagine but that was the thing about him the creeped me out the most.

In sixth grade, my best friend was Dewey Milk. Yes, that was his real name and no, you couldn’t come up with a new name-joke that Dewey hadn’t heard a million times before. For three or four years, Dewey Milk and I were inseparable. We always pretended we were Mulder and Scully only, in our fantasy world, I was Mulder and Dewey always wanted to be Agent Scully. He always said it was because of his red hair but I knew he had more personal reasons. Dewey Milk and I would travel the neighborhood investigating all rumors of paranormal activity. It was usually just blowing the lid off crazy tales we heard around town like Mrs. Stallings’ possessed cat or the space alien someone said the Berrier’s were hiding in their dairy barn. We never really found anything, of course, but we thought we were making some sort of difference to the safety of the neighborhood. It was all just innocent fun. Innocent, that is, until one day when Dewey Milk suggested we climb the back fence of the abandon gas station, crawl through the weeds and get our own view of Fergus MacDuff.

Sometimes in life you do things you would normally find so terrifying, you just have to shut your mind off and do ’em. Like pulling off an old band-aid. Don’t think about it, just do it. That’s how I felt about Dewey Milk’s suggestion. I said “yes” without thinking much about it and I told him we should do it immediately, since it was starting to get dark and I knew in a few more minutes my mom would be calling me in for dinner. But, really, I just wanted to get moving before I talked myself out of it.

We scaled the gas station fence and soon found ourselves, on our stomachs, in five feet of weeds. The sky was that deep blue glow which happens right before everything goes completely black dark. Dewey Milk was right next to me and I was sure he would be able to hear the thumping of my heart, if it wasn’t for the pulsing screams of the cicadas. We laid there for what seemed like two hours. I wasn’t exactly sure what we were looking for. We stared at the silhouette of the old shack.

“I think I see him,” Dewey Milk said in a low whisper that scared the shit out of me.

“Where?” I asked. I couldn’t see anything but black.

“Right there in the middle,” Dewey Milk said. “See? It’s a window. You can see a little orange glow coming from it.”

I stared at the scraggly black building for a few moments. I’d been looking at the remaining light from the sky but when I let my eyes adjust to the darkness of the old shack, I, too, could see a glow coming from what looked like a window. It was the first time I really thought about what we were doing and, at that moment, I realized I didn’t want to do it.

“We gotta go back, Dewey,” I said. “My mom’s gonna bust my ass.”

“It’s too late, Mulder” Dewey said. “We’re in this too deep.”

Dewey Milk was right. We were engaged. It was too late to abort the mission. And, before I could agree, I heard a whimper come from him, then a low, gurgling, choking sound. Before I could ask if he was okay, I felt cold, leathery fingers grab the shirt at the back of my neck and pull it tight. I couldn’t tell what was happening but I could feel my entire body being lifted from the ground. I looked over at Dewey and could barely see him as he looked behind me. I knew from the panic on his face, the bony fingers which had me in their grasp, belonged to none other than Fergus McDuff.

The next few minutes moved super fast. I don’t remember moving from the cover of the weeds to inside the old shack but, in the blink of an eye, there we were sitting in front of a small, soot-covered fireplace. I assumed we were in the living room of Fergus McDuff. It was difficult to determine where we were though. In every inch of the house was piled boxes and books and paper and trash and mounds and mounds of shit. How anyone could live in that environment, I don’t know. It smelled like old water, old food and dead animals. No telling how many bodies of mice, rats, possums, raccoons, and, who knows what else, were rotting under the piles of garbage. It was sometimes impossible to tell if we were indoors or outdoors. I guess I’m still not sure. I looked at Dewey Milk sitting next to me and noticed he, too, was scanning the contents of the room while at the same time trying to figure out if there might be some miracle way of darting out of the room.

I could see the outline of Fergus MacDuff sitting in a chair in the dark. I could hear the clunking of metal which I eventually recognized as the sound of a spoon in a can. Was Fergus MacDuff eating while holding us prisoner? After a few minutes, an empty can of corned beef hash was flung out of the darkness and hit me on the bottom of my shoe. I heard a hacking cough in the middle of the void, the crinkling of paper and chewing noises. Dewey Milk reached over and touched me on the knee and pointed at the fireplace. On the mantle, I could see twenty or thirty little handmade dolls lined up in a row. They were crudely made but each one had it’s own distinctive look. Skinny dolls, fat dolls, boys with glasses, girls with braces, one doll in a wheelchair, just a lot of different dolls. I looked at Dewey Milk and he shrugged. I knew what he was thinking. What would this creepy old man be doing with all of these dolls? I was thinking something else. Why did Fergus MacDuff bring us here and what was he going to do with us?

After about forty five minutes of sitting on the dirt floor in front of the fireplace, I had had enough. “Can we go home?” I asked. “My mom and dad are going to be worried and they’re going to start looking for me.” I waited for a response from the dark and heard only a guttural noise. I couldn’t figure out if Fergus MacDuff was clearing his throat or laughing at me.

“Ginny!” Dewey Milk whispered.

“Ginny?” I whispered back. Dewey Milk pointed at one of the dolls on the mantle. It was a doll with curly brown hair and big, wire glasses, almost as big as her entire face. He was right. The doll looked like Ginny Blair. In fact, I suddenly recognized another doll. The one with braces was Carol Thornton. And there was Ray Beale. Johnny Brooks was there, Reneé Kincaid, and the wheelchair doll was definitely Kimmy Morgan.

Dewey and I looked at each other with wide eyes. We recognized our entire class there on top of Fergus MacDuff’s fireplace. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes. I was terrified and I wanted to get out of that creepy house. I scanned the room for an exit opportunity.

It was hard to see anything through the piles of trash but I noticed an open door in the room across from the living room. That was my big chance. I caught Dewey Milk’s eyes and subtly ran a pointed finger across the floor toward the open door. I counted in my mind, ready to dash toward freedom. Five… four… three… two… one…

Suddenly, a large pile of trash moved in front of me and blocked the open door. No. It wasn’t a pile of trash after all. It was Fergus MacDuff. The glow from the fire let me see Fergus for the first time. He was like a mountain. His hair and beard looked like the weeds we hid in outside his house. His face was wrinkled and looked like it was made of an old horse saddle. A wet stream of tobacco juice ran down the corner of his mouth. He reached over my head and, for the first time, I noticed the dress everyone talked about was actually an old kilt. Like the one I saw in a book about Scotland at the school library. Only, this one looked like it hadn’t been washed in at least 100 years.

I looked up at Fergus MacDuff and he grasped for a doll on the mantle. Holding his arm at a 90 degree angle he danced the doll over his arm and made squeaky noises. The doll was chubby with bright red curly hair. I immediately recognized it as the doll version of Dewey Milk. Fergus MacDuff cackled with a phlegmy laugh. He was obviously very entertained at his weird little puppet show. He slowly handed the doll to Dewey Milk but when Dewey reached out to take it, Fergus MacDuff quickly tossed it into the fire where it ignited into a ball of flame. Fergus MacDuff laughed with an even bigger cackle of phlegm.

I scanned the fireplace for my doll. I knew I was the next star of Fergus MacDuff’s show. I was a lanky girl with a short, bob hair style and tomboy clothes. But none of the dolls looked anything close to me. It didn’t make sense to me. Why would everyone else in our class be there on his fireplace mantle in doll form but not me? I turned to look at Fergus MacDuff and he stared down at me like he knew what I was thinking. His bony fingers moved down between his legs. He fondled around in the old leather pouch on the front of his kilt until he opened it. He reached inside and pulled out a crushed, misshapen doll. He ran his fingers over the doll a bit until it smoothed out and he handed the doll to me.

He started laughing the biggest laugh yet and he turned and walked into the dark part of his house and closed a door. Dewey Milk and I immediately ran to an exit door and kept running as fast as we could toward my house, the laughter of Fergus MacDuff fading into an echo behind us.

When morning came, I found myself questioning whether my experience with Fergus MacDuff the night before was real or a dream. I wanted to ask Dewey Milk, but his mom said he went with his grandparents to a church function. My dad was sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee. I asked him what he knew about Fergus MacDuff.

 “Fergus MacDuff?” He asked, surprised. “Well, honey, I think you’re old enough to know the truth about Fergus MacDuff. There’s no real Fergus MacDuff. I mean, there was a Fergus MacDuff. Long time ago. He was a custodian at the school you go to but somebody said he was inappropriately… well, you know… interacting with some of the kids. He was fired and he just went away by himself. Everyone started using his name as a kind of boogie man, you know? “Last one to the porch will be killed by Fergus MacDuff!” It started out as something funny but I guess it just became silly. Your mom and I always did it in a joking way. I don’t know, maybe it went too far. Anyway old Fergus MacDuff died ten years before you were born so there’s no way he’s ever going to get you.”

I never talked to my parents about the night Dewey Milk and I spent in Fergus MacDuff’s creepy living room. It was a secret Dewey and I locked away in our own minds. We never even discussed it ourselves.

Even though we were so close, eventually we drifted apart. Dewey’s parents moved to Nevada and we wrote each other letters for a year but that stopped eventually. There was no email or Facebook then so it was easy to just gradually lose touch.

The last time I heard from Dewey Milk was five years ago after my husband Alan and our son Daniel drown in a boat accident while on a fishing trip. Dewey heard about it from his sister and called me to tell me how sorry he was. We both cried together on the phone and promised we would soon get together. But we never did.

Then, I heard last week that Dewey Milk was on a business trip in Los Angeles and, along with twenty-two other people, died in a hotel fire. I was devastated. I was also haunted by that night when Fergus MacDuff tossed Dewey’s doll into the fireplace. I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe that had something to do with Dewey’s death. And it made me wonder the whereabouts of the doll Fergus gave to me. I hadn’t seen it in thirty years or so. Last I remembered, I put it in a cigar box my dad gave me and I stored it in my attic.

I decided to dig out that cigar box and take a look at the creepy old doll. I went into the attic and moved piles of boxes and other stored items. For a second, it reminded me of the piles of junk in Fergus MacDuff’s living room. I found an old box of toys and mementos from my elementary school days and I pulled off the tape. It was mostly dusty, plush toys, softball shirts and gloves and sports cards. I cleared away the layers of memories until I finally located the wood cigar box. I remember wrapping the box with rubber bands, ribbons and strings which I pulled and cut off. I opened the box expecting to see the crude, straw doll, but I was horrified.

The doll Fergus MacDuff had given me was gone. In its place were two others: one unmistakably Alan, my husband, dressed in his fishing gear, and the other, a small boy with bright blond curls, was Daniel. The stitching on their mouths was crude and uneven but I immediately knew it was them.

Frantically, I dug through the cigar box, scattering its contents across the attic floor. I turned over every toy and scrap, but my doll was nowhere to be found. I had sealed this box myself thirty years ago, hadn’t I? How could these dolls have gotten in? Where was mine? Was there some way Fergus MacDuff could have reclaimed the doll? How could he and if so… why?

I shoved the box back into its hiding spot and turned to leave. As I stepped onto the creaky stairs of the attic, I froze.

Behind me, in the darkness, came a faint, phlegmy laugh. The same laugh I hadn’t heard in thirty years.

©2016 Rick Baldwin. All Rights Reserved.

(COPYRIGHT NOTICE – This story is under the full copyright of the author who gives permission for royalty-free performance/readings of the story for non commercial purposes. This story must not be changed or altered in any way without permission of the author. Any performance of this story must credit the author, Rick Baldwin. This story may not be reprinted without permission of the author.)

The Old Lockhart House

(Based upon true events.)

I come from a very rural part of East Tennessee. It ain’t “the sticks,” since there’s a large city twenty minutes away, but a person could still get lost on the winding country roads surrounding our house. It’d take someone familiar with the area to help you get back out to civilization.

Behind our house, a steep incline led to an old sawmill operated by Elmer Nicely. The train tracks ran right alongside Elmer’s mill, and when a train passed through — approximately once an hour — our house windows would tremble for a good ten minutes. Elmer slaughtered hogs there, too, so it was nice when the train passed by, masking the squeals coming from his small wood slaughterhouse.

A one-lane gravel road cut between our house and the sawmill. I had seen cars pass through at all hours, but I had never ventured far down that old road. It seemed intimidating to me. The trees and kudzu had overgrown, and the road was a path into a dark tunnel of leaves, vines, sticks, and dust. I knew people lived down that road, but not personally. They were reclusive country folk who preferred to keep to themselves, and I wasn’t one to go messing with them.

As I grew older, I would occasionally take walks along the gravel road. The road passed by the sawmill and the slaughterhouse, then curved left and crossed the railroad tracks. My first time past the tracks I couldn’t recognize anything. It was as if I had stepped into a secluded, backwood village. There were occupied, rusted trailers tucked away in the brush, and old houses constructed from scrap wood, plastic, and cardboard. A small creek ran behind them, one I’d never seen before. Every other house seemed to have an old, mangy hunting dog tied to a tree or a decaying doghouse. The entire area sent shivers down my spine, making my hair stand on end.

Just past the shacks, an overgrown cornfield stood tall. Perched on a wooden post was a pitiful scarecrow, its only arm raised as if attempting to hitchhike its way out of the desolate landscape. Strangely, someone had dressed the scarecrow in a burlap kilt, complete with a corncob kilt pin.

Nestled beside the cornfield, far from the main road, was a decrepit three-story white house. Every window was shattered, and a machete would be required to cut through the dense brush to reach the front door. Despite its dilapidated state, the house still held an air of grandeur among the shacks. It must have been a magnificent home in its heyday, and I couldn’t help but be curious about its history.

The following day, I shared my discovery with some school friends. One of them remarked, “That’s the old Lockhart house. I’ve heard it’s haunted.” Although neither of us believed in ghosts, we couldn’t deny the eerie atmosphere surrounding the place. I was intrigued by the story but unsure of where to find more about its background. I knew of some Lockharts around school and figured they didn’t live there anymore. Or did they?

Weeks later, I brought up the topic again, and someone behind me burst out laughing. It was Chris Mullins, one of the school football stars — good-looking, a nice guy, one of the few jocks who would ever talk to someone like me.

“That’s an excellent make-out place,” he said. “Take a girl there, make her feel scared, then tell her you’ll protect her. She’ll do almost anything you ask her to.”

I didn’t believe Chris Mullins needed a haunted house to persuade a girl to do anything he wanted, but it was good advice anyway. “I’m taking Jenny Quarles to that house this Friday after the game,” he said. “The only thing she should be afraid of is what’s in my pants!” We all laughed.

That Friday night, on the eve of Halloween, the football game was against one of our fiercest rivals. We won easily, and the celebrations continued into the night. However, I decided to head home early. The wind had picked up, and the full moon was obscured by rapidly moving clouds. I couldn’t shake the thought of Chris’s cryptic remarks about the Lockhart house. Perhaps I should drive by and check on them. I wondered if he had the guts to actually go through with it. I would drive out, circle past, and head home.

I came across the old gravel road just as a distant train horn echoed in the air. By the time I reached the curve and the crossing, the train was barreling towards me, so I waited. Once it passed, I sat for a moment in the deep silence that follows a train’s passage. I drove on past the trailers and shacks, up to the cornfield, and I noticed something peculiar. The scarecrow was gone. Its weathered and splintered post remained, but the figure was nowhere to be found. Perhaps it had toppled over, I thought. Or perhaps Chris had taken it down as part of his plan to frighten Jenny.

Ahead, I noticed a car pulled off the road in front of the house, but there was no one inside. I cautiously passed by, peering through the window. The front and back seats were empty. Surely Chris wasn’t brave enough to take her inside. Or foolish enough.

I pulled over, killed the engine and lights, and rolled down the window. The air was filled with the scent of decaying leaves, motor oil, and damp soil. The moon, now completely obscured by clouds, cast everything into a deep indigo darkness.

If you’ve never heard a hog’s death scream at midnight, it’ll send shivers down your back. It’s worse when you realize the sound you just heard wasn’t a hog at all. It was human. And it was coming right toward you.

Jenny Quarles burst from the brush, tried to open my locked passenger door, then leapt onto the hood, pounding the windshield like she meant to break through. It took me several seconds to realize it was her. I jumped out. She threw herself into me, legs giving out, still screaming. I tried to calm her, asking what had happened. She couldn’t speak, just grabbed my hand and pointed toward the Lockhart house. She could only say “Chris,” over and over, pulling me that direction.

A small path had been trampled through the weeds, and she dragged me along it. It all happened too fast to think, though nowadays I can’t believe I ever followed her in there. We stumbled through the brush until we came to a clearing under some twisted trees. Jenny pointed and screamed again.

On the ground lay a scattering of straw soaked in blood. Hanging from one of the trees was Chris Mullins — his throat cut from ear to ear, and stuck right in the middle was what looked like a corncob kilt pin.

I grabbed Jenny’s arm and ran. When she tripped, I dragged her, both of us crashing through vines and briars until we reached the car. We tore out of there and drove to my house, where we called the police and her parents.

It was months before Jenny could tell what had happened that night. She and Chris had left the game and stopped at a store where his brother worked and sold them beer. Chris joked that he wanted to take her to his house, then drove to the Lockhart place, saying that’s where he lived. They sat on the car hood, drank a couple of beers, and made out under the moonlight.

After a while, Chris suggested they walk up to the house. Jenny didn’t think that was such a good idea, so Chris made a bet with her. Jenny had to agree to go to the house if Chris could hit the old scarecrow with all four of their empty beer bottles. Even in the dark, Chris nailed it. Each bottle landed squarely on target, the last one almost taking off the old scarecrow’s head.

Jenny reluctantly went to the dark old house with Chris, and after they got under the trees, Chris began trying to scare her by running into the old cornfield and then running back out. At one point, he didn’t come back out. Jenny thought he may have snuck back to the car just to spook her. She wandered her way back to the car, through the maze of the thicket, and, not finding Chris, she sat on the hood of the car and drank another beer. When the light of the train cut through the blackness, she once again made her way to the side of the house, and it was there she found Chris Mullins hanging from the tree.

On Halloween night, hardly anyone dared to let their kids trick-or-treat. People stayed home, locking their doors tightly, fearing that a killer was on the loose. It was the first time I had ever seen my parents lock their doors.

Around nine o’clock that night, a friend called to say some of the guys from the football team planned to burn the Lockhart house down at midnight. A little after twelve, I drove down the gravel road. The sky ahead glowed orange. When I crossed the tracks, I could smell smoke and see flames flickering high above the trees. The old Lockhart house was fully engulfed. No cars, no people. Just fire.

And, to my surprise, silhouetted against the bright orange light of the fire, hung that old scarecrow; kilt around its waist, arm stretched out, and head held high.

©2016 Rick Baldwin. All Rights Reserved.

(COPYRIGHT NOTICE – This story is under the full copyright of the author who gives permission for royalty-free performance/readings of the story for non commercial purposes. This story may not be changed or altered in any way without permission of the author. Any performance of this story must credit the author, Rick Baldwin. This story may not be reprinted without permission of the author.)

Prosecution Closing Arguments In The Billy Joel Fire Starter Trial

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, good morning.

Throughout this trial, you have heard the defendant, Mr. William Martin Joel, steadfastly proclaim his innocence regarding the infamous fire that has captured all our attention. Yet, under oath, Mr. Joel himself admitted that accomplices were involved. Despite relentless cross-examination—and one notable charge of contempt of court—he stubbornly refuses to name these co-conspirators, instead endlessly repeating the cryptic refrain: “We didn’t start the fire.”

The defense would have you believe that this fire has been burning since the world’s been turning. But, ladies and gentlemen, fires don’t just ignite spontaneously. Babies don’t simply pop into existence, and universes don’t casually bang themselves into being. Someone, somewhere, is responsible. And while Mr. Joel vehemently denies his guilt, he has shown no hesitation in deflecting suspicion onto 135 other potential culprits. Among these, he audaciously implicates former President Richard Nixon—not once, but twice!—as well as a space monkey, Chubby Checker, and, most appallingly, children tragically affected by Thalidomide. The gall is almost as staggering as his aptitude at hitting high notes.

Now, Mr. Joel does not deny his presence at the scene of the fire. He even claims to have attempted to extinguish it, going so far as to declare that he and his unnamed “we” tried to “fight it.” The results, as we know, were catastrophic. Why did these efforts fail? Perhaps because Mr. Joel was distracted by delusional fantasies of rendezvousing with Marilyn Monroe, Joe DiMaggio, and JFK—meetings which, according to expert testimony, never actually occurred.

And then there’s the matter of “U-2.” What does it mean? Mr. Joel never clarifies. Was he joyriding in a military reconnaissance plane? Sharing cigars with Bono as this unforgettable fire raged around them? Or—dare I say it—does “U-2” signify a clandestine partnership? You, too, Billy Joel? I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.

The defense would paint Mr. Joel as nothing more than an innocent bystander—a man whose hobbies include watching Psycho, thumbing through Stranger in a Strange Land, and bingeing Wheel of Fortune. But the truth is clear: Billy Joel is an international music superstar with multiple mansions, a warehouse full of motorcycles, and unfettered access to open flames.

The ancient Greek storyteller Aesop wisely observed, “A man is known by the company he keeps.” And what company does Billy Joel keep? Communists. Mafia kingpins. Dead prizefighters. And, most damning of all, Fidel Castro—hula hooping together, no less! Can we trust a man with such associations to tell the truth? Should we believe Mr. Joel’s 1983 plea of innocence, or take heed of his 1989 confession that he is “shameless” and “goes to extremes”? Let us not forget his chilling 1980 admission: “You may be right, I may be crazy. But it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for.” Well, Mr. Joel, I am looking for a lunatic. A lunatic who started this fire. And that lunatic is you.

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, the defense has utterly failed to show that Billy Joel did not start this fire. The evidence to the contrary is overwhelming. I know he started it. You know he started it. And deep down, Mr. Joel knows it, too—alongside his band of fire-starting accomplices.

Therefore, I wish to conclude by saying I am your uptown girl and you must find Billy Joel guilty.

I didn’t mean to say that uptown girl part but, please, still, find him guilty.

[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine, July 21, 2018.]

Forbidden

He was born
desert frost,
a Kansas avalanche;
an impossibility
in her
life
posing as savage
fantasy
they both carried
under their
skin
like a virus fiend.

My View At Starbucks Window

Metallic ocean waves
will not devour me—
this moment, invincible.

Shaven-headed dude,
his hound veering
across the uneven plaza,

eagerly visualizing
some vague triumph—
shit teetering on the verge.

Beneath this devil sun,
vociferous men,
devoid of socks,

converse sharply
about investments
in rental ventures,

their glances evasive,
ignoring my overly long
verdant straw—

delivering this
shivery salvation:
iced beverage, victorious.