New Exploitive Southern Reality Shows On Cable

May 30, 2023

Tick Jokes

Friday 2:00 AM on COMEDY 1 hr TV-14
Wannabe stand-up comics from West Virginia check each other for ticks after working an open mic night in a corn field.

Mug Wars

Wednesday 9:00 PM on FX 1 hr TV-14
Eight unemployed college students from Mississippi State University move into a gorgeous house they can’t afford and immediately discover it contains only a six pack of Coors Light and a bag of Funions. (Language, Violence)

Flea Market Dating

Daily 10:00 PM on TLC 30 min TV-PG
Two brothers, Larry and Skunk, search the magnificent flea markets of the south in search of love and long-term pokey-pokey. Complications arise when Larry admits he only dates little people and Skunk reveals he has secret feelings for Larry’s Dodge Dakota.

Veterans

Tuesday 11:47 PM on HIST 1 hr TV-PG
An intense drama focusing on the residents of a Confederate cemetery and their reactions when a group of northern, white, thirty-somethings show up, remove the Confederate flag, exhume and dress them as Trader Joe’s produce attendants. Pilot episode features the emotional soundtrack performed live by Kanye West, Bret Michaels and a lifelike hologram of Abraham Lincoln.

Catfish Wet Nurse

Sunday 4:00 PM on DISC 30 min TV-MA
From the town of Red Bank, Tennessee comes a family of fourth generation catfish fishermen who use only their man-boobs as bait.

Uncle Mom

Monday 8:30 PM on LIFE 30 min TV-G
Country superstar Kenny Chesney visits remote trailer parks in Kentucky dressed as everyone’s uncle, only to try to convince them he is also their mother. Special guest appearances by Tim McGraw, Dr. Phil McGraw, Quick Draw McGraw, Johnny Knoxville and Kid Rock’s dick.

Lard Queens

Thursday 12:01 AM on FOOD 30 min TV-G
Appalachian grandmothers compete for prizes and hair products by cooking traditional southern breakfast for a panel of celebrity judges. The winner is crowned “Lard Queen” after successfully triggering heart disease in show spokesman Mike Huckabee.

Hail to the Hick

Monday 9:30 PM CSPAN 3 hrs TV-MIA
A gang of octogenarians who congregate in a North Carolina barber shop and complain loudly about the policies of the President, get the opportunity to be the actual President of the United States of America for 24 hours. Laws are changed, immigrants are forced to leave and Gomer Pyle USMC is revived on Netflix. (May be offensive to Asian and Latino viewers.)

Ain’t Worth Shit

August 10:15 AM MTV 1 hr TV-14
A single, Florida dad’s parenting skills come into question while raising his half trans teen-aged son.

Whoops!

Friday 8:00 PM TVLAND 1 hr TV-PG
A rural, Virginia preacher dies and goes to hell and is torn between trying to pray his way to heaven or dancing nude with William Frawley.

[This article first appeared in Okrabiscuit Humor Magazine July 9, 2015.]

Barn

May 29, 2023

Gray bones, unyielding
against the shifting winds
of a century’s dance,
stand tall,
supporting the relic.

Dusty tobacco—
its earthy scent
mingles with manure,
sweat, soil, and corn,
the essence deeply embedded
in wood and beam.

Rodent, bird, snake, spider,
a silent assembly, disturb
the cattle’s communion
in peat and refuge,

a sanctuary for small creatures
and hidden lovers,
their secrets suspended,
in the shadows of these walls.

Forever Burning Fire

May 22, 2023

Life is a forever
burning fire—
its flames cradle you,
a fleeting flicker.

Briefly you dance,
illuminating the void,
before spiraling outward,
a luminous arc,
into quiet extinguishment.

fence

May 22, 2023

a line of lovers, wooden
like rotting posts
each more weathered
and more hollow
than the previous
until the last one
completely broken
neglecting what
it was meant
to hold

Jack o’Lantern

May 22, 2023

When she carved the pumpkin,
her hand sunk deep into its flesh
and, as she scooped the insides,
she thought of the murder–
how the face went soft,
yet wide-eyed, open-mouthed,
stringy seeds spilling
onto her dress.

She twisted the knife in,
his body thrusting forward,
not expecting the blow
or that she would fight back.
Now only a pile of damp pulp
on the old, wooden floor
remained to be cleared
before the celebration.

Her steady hand putting
flame to the candle
and placing the toothy head
before the house
as a beacon to those who
would come knocking
that night.