Auras
Notes From the Cartoonist
It goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway. It helps to understand what your customer base finds important and what they will pay for.
My Top 5 Favorite Female Vocalists (2023 Version)
I grew up with a mom who was a vocalist. While she may have once dreamed of singing professionally, life took her in a different direction—marrying young and raising seven kids. As a result, her singing career mostly revolved around church solos and waking us up for school with impromptu operatic high notes. My early exposure to music was shaped more by female voices than male ones, though I did hear plenty of Elvis and the country artists my dad loved. To this day, I find myself drawn to powerful, distinctive female vocalists—from Lucinda Williams to Jonatha Brooke to Kate Bush to Björk. I admire many, but today, I just want to share a list of my top five favorites. These are in no particular order because, frankly, I’m not in the mood to debate rankings. They’re all incredible, and if I had to pick one as the ultimate, it would probably be my mom.
Suze DeMarchi
Lead singer of Baby Animals, INXS, lots of other stuff.
Annette Strean
Lead singer of Venus Hum, Tin Finley, lots of other stuff.
Diana Krall
Solo artist, jazz virtuoso, lots of other stuff.
Ann Wilson
Solo artist, lead singer of Heart, no introduction needed.
Margaret Becker
Underrated solo artist, songwriter, producer, lots of other stuff..
The Specter of Red Dog Road
Over in Harlan, Kentucky, there’s an old backroad called “Red Dog Road” and you don’t never want to get lost on it. Locals will tell ya there’s all kinds of unexplained stuff on that road at night. They see strange, red lights flickerin’ tree to tree. Some hear footsteps walkin’ around on the road and on the leaves. Worst of all, a lot of people say they see the ghost of a haggard old coal miner, holding his lantern, just a-cryin’ and a-hollerin’ somethin’ fierce! Well, I’m here to tell you, all that stuff is true. I’m going to tell you the real story of the Specter of Red Dog Road.
One summer, Eldon Parkey did work for an old tobacco farmer just across the Tennessee border. The farmer paid Eldon a little bit and he also traded him some tobacco and gave him this red dog that showed up on the farm one day. That dog was meaner than a two-headed snake so the old farmer was more than happy to get rid of it. Eldon loved that dog. Took him home and named him “Red Dog.”
Eldon noticed Red Dog only had 38 of the regular 42 dog teeth. He figured the other 4 of ’em must still be in some poor fella’s hind-end ‘cause that dog would bite you just to see what you taste like! The story was, one bite from Red Dog would keep a man’s soul from gettin’ into heaven or hell. So, didn’t nobody ever want to pet him. Come to think of it, ain’t nobody ever wanted to pet Eldon neither. Eldon said, you know what? That’s the way he liked it!
Eldon was a coal miner and one day word got around town that Eldon found a hunk of gold when he was working underground. That kinda thing didn’t normally happen in Kentucky and anything valuable you found was supposed to belong to the company, but Eldon stuck that gold rock in his lunch pail and took it back to his house. He put it in a steel lock box and set that box right beside Red Dog’s bed. Wasn’t nobody gettin’ that gold.
Most people around Harlan knowed Eldon kinda had a big mouth and, sure enough, he starts to braggin’ in town that he was gonna be a rich man. He took to wearing fancy smellin’ lotion and tellin’ people he was fixin’ to buy a new milking cow and a shiny new pocket watch. Said he’d soon have a clean pair of britches for every day of the week!
Well, I reckon when R.T. Scoggins heard about it, he didn’t like it one bit. R.T. was the Foreman at the mine and he said that gold belonged to the mine! Eldon found it while he was on the mine’s time and on the mine’s property. According to R.T. that gold rock should be in a steel lockbox in the mine office! He decided he’d just better go take it back himself, in person!
So, one night when Eldon was at the church, R.T. grabbed his shotgun and a big ol’ tater sack and snuck over to Eldon’s place down in the holler. It was all dark but R.T. looked through the front window and scanned the room real careful like. He could barely make out the silhouette of Red Dog over in the corner on a blanket; that steel lock box sittin’ right next to him. R.T. lifted his shotgun… pointed it right at Red Dog… Red Dog didn’t move an inch. R.T’s finger squeezed the trigger… BOOM!
There weren’t no sign of Red Dog nowhere.
R.T. didn’t see any blood so he figured he musta missed him and Red Dog got spooked and run off somewhere. Seemed as good a time as any to make his move so R.T. ran into the house, grabbed that steel lock box and hightailed it out the door and into the night.
Well, y’all, I don’t have to tell you, R.T. Scoggins didn’t get 100 yards down the holler road when all he saw in front of him was a mess of red hair and dog slobber! I mean, Red Dog tore him up in ways ain’t no one ever figured out how to put back together. Some people said they found pieces of R.T. over into Tennessee, maybe even Virginia.
Of course, R.T. got more than just bit by Red Dog so he ain’t never gettin’ nowhere near the other side of heaven or hell. His soul ain’t doin’ nothin’ for eternity, ‘cept wandering around Harlan, Kentucky, a-cryin’ and a-hollerin’.
So, if you think you’re brave enough, grab your own shotgun and a tater sack and maybe you can get yourself a hunk of gold. Or… you’ll be keeping company for eternity with the shredded specter of R.T. Scoggins way out there on Red Dog Road.
©2023 Rick Baldwin. Written and performed for “Tour of Southern Ghosts 2023.”
(COPYRIGHT NOTICE – This story is under the full copyright of the author who gives permission for royalty-free performance/readings of the story for non commercial purposes. This story must not be changed or altered in any way without permission of the author. Any performance of this story must credit the author, Rick Baldwin. This story may not be reprinted without permission of the author.)
Exotic Aquatic
Within me, it swims—
this light-borne goldfish
defined by a translucent orb,
its curve—a lie of limits
against the infinite ocean.
Thoughts descend to the deep,
silent, sinking, rusted anchor,
rooting themselves near
the pink coral castle.
Small fry swirl and scatter
sucking algae,
sifting muck,
oblivious to the sublime:
the goldfish,
weightless,
floating
to the surface
with gasping mouth.
A Hollywood Life Unattained
Reflecting on the missed opportunities of my early career as a Hollywood actor.
Not many people know I was the original James Evans on the hit 70s TV show, Good Times. Due to failed contract negotiations as well as my lack of a strong, masculine chin, I was quickly replaced by John Amos. It has taken over 40 years for me to be able to talk about it publicly without bitterness but, as they say, “time heals all wounds.” I always believed that to be true, until recently seeing those Jimmie ‘JJ’ Walker social security supplement commercials.Trigger warning!
In the early 80s, I was asked to star in a revival of Chico and the Man with Norman Fell, but, unfortunately, I was deep into drugs and alcohol and my mom wouldn’t let me. Hard to see it at the time, but that parental grounding saved my life. Wish now I hadn’t said such horrible things to my mom or sent those racy photos to Norman Fell, but we all learn and move on.
WOW! Just found this photo! Talk about a blast from the past! During the later years of M*A*S*H, the ratings were sagging lower than Harry Morgan’s décolletage, so the network started toying around with adding a second head to Hawkeye. They did a few test episodes and who do you think they contracted to play the additional head? Me of course! The idea was that the second head (which they considered naming “Headeye”) would serve as a kind of straight man for Hawkeye’s jokes. The head would occasionally talk him into terrible surgical decisions, resulting in the maiming and occasional loss of a patient. We all hated the idea and, as it turned out, so did test audiences. I was released after two unaired episodes and was ignored after proposing a concept where I would play Hot Lips’ third boob. Nonetheless, it was my most treasured Hollywood moment and provided the first role of my long career as cranial talent. As you might imagine, the cast was a dream to work with, with one exception. It’s common knowledge now but Jamie Farr forced all guest actors to shave their lines into his back and quote them while tracing each one with their fingertips. Sure, it sounds bad today but it was the 70s and everyone did it, so who was I to question? SAG has since added several actor protections because of that situation but you can Google it all for yourself.
You learn to grow thick skin in Hollywood but I’d be lying if I said this one didn’t hurt. Mindy Cohn was holding out for more money and threatening to quit Facts of Life so I was brought in as replacement. “Natalie” was the first role I ever felt “click” on a deep, Stanislavsky level. To my shock, I was promptly dismissed before shooting even a single episode and was instructed to never return to the studio. I missed the warning then but I certainly know it now. One did not tell Charlotte Rae “no.”
Last one from the “Hollywood Vault.” On an episode of Seinfeld titled, “There’s An App For That” I played Kramer’s cousin, Shlomo Simon. In this particular episode, I invent an iPad® app that forces everyone I point the device toward to see me nude. None of the cast could keep a straight face during shooting and, eventually, they had to bring in a body double. The episode never aired due to a lawsuit by Apple® (It would be another 15 years before the actual iPad® was invented), although the episode was accidentally released in the Icelandic Box Set, so good luck on getting a copy. Fortunately, an assistant director took the only surviving photo and gave it to me earlier this year after, apparently, carrying it around with her for several years. Also, Michael Richards, you owe me a chili dog! (Private joke. Ha ha!)