Punky Moon was gettin’ married to Reba Anderson and there wuddn’t nobody less happy about that than Punky Moon.

Truth was, after he got engaged to Reba, Punky Moon fell in love with Willie Mae Snodgrass down at the feed store and now he was in a mess of trouble! The announcement was already in the paper. Reba had the ring, the dress… Punky didn’t know what he was gonna do. There wuddn’t no way out that he could see.

Finally he throwed his hands up in the air and said, “Shucks, I might as well just be dead!” Well! That might be about the best idea he’d had yet! If he’s dead, he don’t have to marry Reba! She won’t get furious and try to kill him, then he can run off far away with Willie Mae Snodgrass. Right then, Punky Moon decides to plan his own funeral.

First thing he has to do is get himself a coffin. Punky’s best friend in the world is Toad McAllister and Toad has a furniture workshop downtown. Punky figures Toad could make him a cheap wood coffin. He explains his plan to Toad and swears him to secrecy. Punky says heck, Toad can use scrap wood if he wants. The coffin only has to last a couple hours.

Punky believes there’s no better time to have his funeral than a week from now on Halloween night. Right by Baneberry Pond. People always say that spot is haunted by the dreaded Pond Wolf, so what better place for a funeral, right? Now, Punky has to get dead real quick. And that he does. Punky owns a small farm so he gets the word out that he’s been the victim of a tragic corn-shucking accident. Punky Moon has fallen into the shucker! And become a shuck-ee!

The news hits the town hard and all the town shows up for the funeral. Toad did an impressive job with the coffin there on the landing by the pond. Punky wears his wedding tuxedo: black coat with tails. He leaves the britches at home since nobody’s gonna see his lower half. He even slathers his hair with pig lard and rubs corn into it so it looks like he’s been in a shucking accident.

At the funeral, Reba Anderson sits right there in front, dressed in all black. Mercipa Skaggs shows up with her honey-glazed, sweet potato casserole as a gift to the deceased’s family. The ladies choir of the Paw Paw Holler Baptist Church starts humming “Nearer My God to Thee” and there ain’t a dry eye in the crowd.

Well, it’s about 39 minutes into the service when Punky Moon feels the first tickle on his left foot. He scratches it very carefully with his right foot. No one sees nothing! Soon, though, Punky feels a tickle on his right foot! And then another! And then another one on his left! Ain’t long before he feels about a billion little somethings crawling all over his legs!

This might be the perfect time to mention that Toad used not only scrap wood to build Punky’s coffin but also termite infested scrap wood. At the very moment the ladies choir of the Paw Paw Holler Baptist Church starts singing “Stand Up, Stand Up For Jesus,” Punky Moon stands up in his bug-swarmed coffin and starts a-yelling “They’re a-bitin’, they’re a-bitin’!” all-the-while dancin’ a pantsless jig in front of the whole town! The ladies choir of the Paw Paw Holler Baptist Church thinks Punky is being chewed on by the Pond Wolf and they start a-runnin’ and a-screamin’.

While he’s contortin’, one of the tails from Punky’s tuxedo jacket touches a candle and bursts into flames! Mercipa Skaggs believes she’s seeing a glowing ghost and she keels over, spilling sweet potato casserole all over the ground. The burnin’, gyratin’ Punky starts a-marchin’ through the casserole. His bare legs get slathered in honey-glaze. He stomps on an ant hill and angry ants declare war on the termites. They reenact the Battle of Atlanta right there on Punky’s upper thighs.

Everyone at the funeral’s a-hollerin’ like cats under a wagon wheel. It’s not long before the fire from Punky’s tuxedo jacket heats up the pig lard in his hair and all that corn starts a-poppin’ everywhere!

Reba Anderson takes one look at the half-nekkid, honey-coated, cootie-legged Punky Moon, all aflame and hoofin’ it, with popcorn exploding off his head and she faints right on top of Mercipa Skaggs! Punky Moon runs off and jumps into the pond, taking with him a lap full of termites, a head full of popcorn and all that honey-glazed sweet potato casserole, far down into the deep, haunted waters of Baneberry Pond.

Well. Folks around town never did see Punky Moon again. Not Reba nor Willie Mae Snodgrass at the feed store or even Toad. Did he get eaten by the Pond Wolf? No one knows what really happened to Punky. In fact, if you asked around, most people in the town woulda told you, “He might as well just be dead.”

©2024 Rick Baldwin. Written and performed for “Tour of Southern Ghosts 2024.”

(COPYRIGHT NOTICE – This story is under the full copyright of the author who gives permission for royalty-free performance/readings of the story for non commercial purposes. This story must not be changed or altered in any way without permission of the author. Any performance of this story must credit the author, Rick Baldwin. This story may not be reprinted without permission of the author.)