Once again I make my predictions for events to happen in the new year. 100% of my past predictions have come to pass and I expect no less from these prophetic jewels. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, people, but don’t say you weren’t warned:
1. The Global Warming issue will take an unpredicted turn as the polar ice caps turn into one large mustard plug.
2. Six Middle Eastern men in a van will be detained 72 hours by Homeland Security for planning an unauthorized dance-off at the Washington Monument while dressed as Hello Kitty.
3. The Spice Girls will experience the most successful reunion project in music history as they first announce a massive reunion tour, then 9 billion people send them $10 not to.
4. Tragically, Jim Carey’s face will freeze that way.
5. Burt Reynolds will film a sequel to the movie “Deliverance” revealing the redneck mountain men were simply looking for a reliable source for hot, fresh, buttered popcorn.
6. A Victoria’s Secret model will accidentally fart on the runway causing her thong to emit a high frequency tone, allowing us to finally communicate with dolphins.
7. The NRA will give into gun control outcries and decree that from now on assault rifles shall only be carried by flat-chested girls named Jennifer.
8. After several complaints of a strong bacon smell throughout Vatican City, the Pope will admit he has been using Pig Latin.
9. The color yellow will take time off in order to tour.
10. A Nobel Prize winning scientist will invent a method of achieving world peace by the use of microwaves but people with body piercings will continually short it out.
11. A company from Argentina will repackage Larry King as beef jerky.
12. Old laptop computers will be donated to the Knoxville zoo and in one night monkeys will type out scripts for an entire season of “Two And A Half Men.”
13. Zsa Zsa Gabor will once again fail miserably at dying.
14. A team of North Korean scientists will discover a startling correlation between frequent rocket launches and tiny penis size.
15. Disney will introduce a new Star Wars character named “Goofy Luke.”
16. Sean Penn will touch himself a certain way then immediately go into hiding, never to be seen again.
17. Chef-Boyardee will announce new “Spaghetti O’s” for a thriving generation of Internet misspellers.
18. Canada will separate itself from the United States citing “irreconcilable differences” and immediately begin seeing Zooey Deschanel.
19. A new planet will be discovered to be exactly like the Earth in every way except their Facebook has a “Dislike” button.
20. The Boston Marathon will become the first major sporting event to be won by a banjo.
Signed and Notarized
This 20th day of December
In the Year of Our Lord 2012
Rick Baldwin, Esq.